In search of a better fit.

This weekend I have been purging my closets and dressers. I don't think I've thoroughly attempted this job since we moved to my Pennsylvania hometown in spring of 2007. At that time we moved to a new state and also to a whole new phase of life which now bears little resemblance to the one we had in Illinois. Part of that change has resulted in me getting 4 clothing sizes bigger, so when I apply the "get rid of anything you haven't worn in a year" rule, there are a LOT of clothes that aren't getting worn.

Weight is a sensitive issue for most women. I reached an uncomfortable high point 8 years ago when I was dealing with the loss of my brother and also reaching the end of nursing my 2nd child. Sometimes life has to get really bad before it can get better. When my brother died I kind of crawled under an emotional rock for about 6 months until sitting alone in the dark actually got so dreary and boring that I eventually crawled out and looked into the sun again. One thing I did was to join a gym and start working out. It got me out of the house and also put me into contact with new people. One of those people was a personal trainer who looked me in the eye and told me that he could help me lose 30-40 pounds. I thought he was crazy; that would make me weigh less than I did in high school. However I was so desperate for change and improvement that I signed on. That journey is a blog post for another day, but when it was all said and done, a 65-lb. weight loss took place. In the process I became a fitness and healthy eating fanatic. I spent approximately 8 hours a week working out, and became the success story poster child of the gym and the personal training dept. At this point in my life I was not working nor involved in theatre at all, so it became my hobby and passion.

After our move I continued to make fitness a priority for the first two years. However, between needing to go back to work and reviving my passion for theatre, soon there were not enough hours in the week anymore to honor my previous commitment. At this point I admit I am not happy about my current weight and size. People still tell me "you look great" but I think that's more about having a smile and being immersed in things I am passionate about. Going shopping for BIGGER clothes is not nearly as much fun as going shopping for smaller ones.

So, as I purge my closet, I must accept that I probably won't wear those clothes with the smaller numbers ever again. I'm holding on to just a few things that are one size smaller, maybe some kind of miracle will occur and I'll be able to take ten pounds off along the way, but realistically I'd rather someone else got some wear out of these things before they're too far gone fashion-wise. Now that my closet is mostly clothes that I can actually consider wearing, it's not only more spacious but less depressing to look at. I don't need all those reminders of my former figure.

The more I purge my closet, the more I want to purge this entire house of so many things that we realistically won't return to. The kids' toys and books, most specifically. Lately the size of our house has felt overwhelming to me. I don't want to be bothered with yard work anymore and wouldn't mind paying an association fee if someone else would take care of it. Our house in Illinois was smaller and when we moved here I thought, "Finally we have room for all our stuff!" Now I'm thinking, why are we paying a bigger mortgage and higher utility bills to maintain a museum of stuff that we don't use in our daily lives? Sure, it's nice to have room to host a cast party or a kids sleepover or out-of-town guests, but those events take place very few days of the year. Plus whenever they occur, I have to spend an entire week hiding all the stuff that creeps out onto the plentiful surfaces.

A friend just sold his large house that had the PERFECT view of the fireworks in State College. I enjoyed this amenity this past 4th of July and felt so lucky to be told I could have a "permanent invitation" to come back every summer. He and his wife decided the upkeep of the pool and house size were not worth the only occasional enjoyment they (and their large network of friends) got from them, and bought an older house in need of restoration out in the more rural section of town. While I'm sad that my "permanent invitation" only got me one amazing 4th of July, I'm now wondering if I should be following their example. What's the point of all this square footage anyway? Does this house really fit the body of my life anymore?

Much to ponder.